Labor Day

We lost the baby on Monday and passed I it on Tuesday evening. Ironic because it was Labor Day. I honestly don't know what to think. I've always thought of miscarriage as a normal event. Something that happens to about 40% of mothers. "Other" mothers. I don't ever really get attached to my pregnancies. Yes, I've always felt like if I lost the baby I'd be mad that I had to start all over but never thought I'd feel like I lost a baby. This pregnancy was different. I was concerned the whole time that something would go wrong. I wasn't sick at all and that worried me too. Everything about this pregnancy was different. The loss was very unexpected. Something I never thought would happen to me. And definitely never something I thought would effect me so much.

I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me and a plan for my family. I also know that miscarriages are normally caused by the body knowing something isn't right with the baby and the body just aborts it. But knowing all these things isn't helping. I just kind of feel... numb? Maybe that's the word to describe it. I just don't know what to think. I mean really...what now? I've wanted that baby for a year now and we finally make the decision to get pregnant and usually after pregnancy you have a baby...but when it just abruptly stops and the pregnancy is done but with no baby, I just don't know what to think. I am just kind of shocked. We do want another baby and no, I don't want to wait any longer for it...but at the same time...I don't feel like trying for another one and don't really know when I will feel like trying for another one. It's the weirdest thing and I'm trying to wrap my head around it....

Part of me feels like I'm sad and the other part of me is optimistic. I'm sure it's the hormones still in me, one moment I'm tearing up out of sadness and frustration and the next I'm trying to find the positives in this. Like a little more wiggle room in trying to buy a house in the spring...I could tone up more and be a little more healthy and physically READY to have this baby. Ella will probably be in Kindergarten when we finally have our next one so I'd just have two in the house. It would give me more 1 on 1 time with Carly...and who knows, Carly might be in preschool by the time we have a new baby again. I'm also given more time to get better at bringing the spirit into my home and to be more organized and develop my patience.

All in all, I'm gaining a better understanding of those who have gone through miscarriage and those who are going through it. Even though at only 9 weeks along, there was a baby in there that was going to be a part of our family and it's hard. And I understand now. Sometimes people just need to hear, "that sucks...it just really sucks".

I hesitated to post this for fear that others would feel sorry for me. That's not what I want at all... but for my records I'd like to be able to go back and see what I was feeling at this point. I'd also like all the mothers that read this that have had, are having, or are going to have a miscarriage that it really sucks but at the same time I know it's going to be ok.

Joseph has had a hard time with this also. He's been so supportive and great with everything every step of the way. We didn't really know how to tell the girls (who constantly talk about the new baby...I'm talk'n every 20 mins they come to me to tell me how excited they are for it). Today I told them, "The baby decided it's not ready to come yet. I think it's gonna be a little longer than we thought for baby to decide to come" They said "ok!" and that was that. Not another word. :) So yes, our baby is going to be a little fashionablly late. :)